Let me grow la

Assalamualaikum

Writing this , because I feel like writing something stupid but not really stupid, okay

Just finished my surgery posting where I got extended 1 month for my incomplete logbook. But the epic part was, I am still happy and enjoying that posting lol. Guess what, I have to viva with my HOD lol.

To be honest, I like that posting, not because I am into surgical based, okay I am not into surgical based lol, but I just like it. I am quite happy to be in that posting despite having someone that I wish I don't need to see everyday because I just do't like him. And I am sure, he doesn't like me, too. Because I am not a good houseman, to him.

The saddest part of being a houseman is, you have to be good in ambik hati. And I am not good at it. Okay, I better not say anything or complaint, because I am just a lowly houseman. I have no feelings, and people should just step on my feeling, just like that lol sarcastic much?

Owkay I am not gonna talk about this. I should just leave it

So currently, I am in O&G posting. Well, as a fifth poster, they expect you to be able to function as a fifth poster, aka junior MO where all expectations are put on you, and you must be able to function. And guess what, I am not good in this because I am not good lol okay I am still having this low self confidence thing, you guys know kan.

I really wanna do my best but I am a lil bit afraid sometimes when people told me " I have high expectation dekat you"

 I TAKUT OWKAAAAAAAY I TAKUT JANGAN LETAK EXPECTATION DEKAT I!  I FEEL SO BURDENED BY THAT.

*tarik nafas jap*

Owkay, aku tahu as a houseman who soon to be a legal doctor lol, I really need to buck up and become more confident with whatever I am doing. But I have this issue where, I actually quite confident with what I want to do, but I feel like no one believe in me, and yeah, some people will be like "what?" Like that ha to me, my confidence gone la. So dia macam ni, you let me grow, let me grow. Jangan kill me first, please. Aku sekarang taknak cakap langsung benda aku tahu. I will just say I don't know because if I say yes I know, and I tell something that is actually betul then people will be like "ye ke?" and so on. Because muka aku macam muka tak confident.

Okaylah, if you tak pressure I banyak banyak, I will function. As I said, please let me grow. And I don't feel like marah marah will help me to be a better doctor. It makes me feel, "ahhhh not fun" Yes, tak semua orang "jalan" dengan marah dan maki maki.

Yeah I sound like a manja houseman, but mana ada manja houseman balik lambat lambat, tak ambik cuti atau EL, tak mc. Mana ada houseman manja macam tu. Houseman manja kan, semua tak tahu, salah sikit, tak suka sikit, report. Camtu. Pastu quit la.

The fact that I was labelled as "thinking like a G*" , "dangerous doctor" and so on made me realized one thing, not everyone likes me, even I work like shit pun, trying my best, kalau orang tak suka kau, memang tak suka. Pandai pandailah. Tapi aku tetap bekerja dengan ikhlas as my mo pernah cakap "kerja kena ikhlas" even hati aku luluh hancur dengar orang comment aku teruk teruk

But it's okay. I sakit hati macam mana pun, benda dah jadi. Yang penting jadikan iktibar dalam hidup. Jangan jadi macam tu, never ever say hurtful words to others. Sebab we don't know apa orang lain go through. If nak teach, teach nicely. You know, the worst part later is, if orang tu tak maafkan kita sebab kata kata kita, terpaksa cari dia kat akhirat. Allahu

Owyeah, so kan, dia macam ni. Jangan expect banyak dekat aku. Just let me grow. Bila you put too much expectation, you actually tengah kill me. I to be honest la, takut and tak suka, tak selesa. I rasa berat je hati dengan bahu bahu sekali. Aku terus jadi macam takut. Entah, aku tak suka expectations. Dia macam , berat weh beraaaat.

Aku just harap orang faham je. Tu je,.

I wanna do better. I really am. So don't kill me, with your words and expectations. If i salah, teach me. Let me know. Aku akan do my best. InshaAllah.

Till now, adios. Goodbye <3

Han