Hi everyone *yeah as if someone will read this, but if you did, thanks a lot.*
So since last week, I was ask to quarantine myself, as I had a very close COVID contact with one of my patient.
Didn’t expect that patient is a positive COVID patient, haih. I feel stupid also as i was not wearing an adequate PPE while trying to save his life, how thoughtless I am. That patient somehow left this world, during my oncall, which left me speechless at the same time.
The next evening was informed by my colleague, that patient positive. I am shocked but at the same time, i is redha gais, because I’ve worked in covid team before and yeah now even dangerous, in general ward and clinic where you don’t really know everyone’s status. Then my specialist called me to informed that I need to isolate myself, and need to take swab on D7. That time only Allah knows how i feel thinking about some patients, that I need to see in clinic (some patients ada appoinment with me).
I informed my parents, and I continue my sleep as I was post call that time lol. Been monitor myself with spo2 and thermometer provided by my friend. Then, I started to developed symptoms, and it’s worsening that I’ve decided to do early swab and the result was negative. Kinda lega jugak but was asked to do another swab as planned. Alhamdulillah another swab also negative. I feel so grateful but, my boss said, since I am having symptoms, need to monitor more and also need to do another swab. I am okay with it, but I know, I am not.
Do you know what I was thinking during my quarantine? I feel guilty, feel useless and also I feel like I am a troublemaker. Not even a single day passed by without feeling guilty. Not even a day. I woke up early as usual, sometimes I asked houseman about my patients eventho I myself not that well lol Why guilty?
Because my colleagues need to cover me, cover my part, cover my patients. I keep saying sorry to people, I know, even before this incident, I always say sorry to everyone, because I always feel like I am not good enough, I caused some problem and Idk, it’s just when things doesn’t go right, and it involved me and someone else, I will always feel guilty and I feel like I’ve burdened my colleagues. Yes this is me, if I told you I am sorry, i really mean it. I don’t say sorry because I want to solve any issue or what, memang I am like this.
I know sometimes I am weird, I suka ask simple simple things that I should have known, but I still asked people, because I need some reassurance and confirmation about things I did. I know it’s weird but I am trying to build my self confidence. My previous boss once said that I should be more confident, I should trust myself, but it is not that simple. I am trying to build it. Given that I am a lil bit introverted, so it becomes much more difficult haha
So back to my quarantine days, so yes I feel guilty everyday, I caused such a big trouble. Some of my friends need to cover me, haih I don’t know what to say. I wish boss will let me go to work once my result comes out. I did swab today, maybe will come out tomorrow. I really hope it’s negative and I can go to work. Because i cannot carry this anymore, this guilty feelings. I really need to work and do my part. I’m an overthinker, right? They said rest well, but nah I can’t.
Sometimes, I want to explain and express my feelings and thoughts to people, but I find it difficult sometimes, I am not good at it. I just hope people could understand that. I think I need time to feel comfortable, mana pulak aku jenis pendiam sikit, even to talk to my colleagues also takes time. Haih.
These few days, I keep telling myself “it’s okay, my colleague will understand” but then that feeling comes again the next day lol
I am really sorry for the inconvenience I’ve caused. I really am.
Han
No comments:
Post a Comment