Assalamualaikum dan hello mello.
Jonghyun SHINee atau dikenali as Jjong left us on 18 Dec 2017. (27 years old)
I know, I was shocked too. Tengah scroll FB tiba tiba nampak this news, of course terkejut. Terkejut sangat. Disturbing gila sebab few minutes before that, I watched video preview dia untuk "Night Goblin" then bila buka FB, I saw "Jonghyun SHINee passed away". Masa tu around 6 something. Masa tu berharap ada orang buat prank je, atau untuk drama ke mv ke, rupanya real. He passed away. Then, aku cepat cepat bukak twitter fangirl aku, terus tengok, rasa nak nangis bila tahu dia commited suicide. BUNUH DIRI! Allah, aku macam tak percaya. Dan semua kat twitter in state of denial. Yes, proses pertama, denial.
Aku baca news dia, at first aku ada terbaca pasal dia cardiac arrest tapi aku pelik macam mana cardiac arrest, apa yang jadi, rupanya dia pakai karbon monoksida untuk suicide. Yes, karbon monoksida memang bahaya dan memang terkenal sebagai salah satu item untuk orang suicide. Aku macam... tiba tiba menangis. Aku taktahu kenapa tiba tiba aku terflashback oral presentation aku masa sekolah, suicide among Koreans. Sebab masa aku sekolah dulu, form 3, masa tu ada actor/actress suicide juga, biasanya gantung diri atau overdose macam tu, dan benda tu memang hit gila waktu tu sebab bila someone yang ada influence like them suicide, maka fans pun akan ikut dan benda tu memang happened dekat sana sampai waktu tu aku masih ingat in news they stated hotline untuk suicide tu full.
Bila dah flashback macam tu, aku macam...Allah takutnya. Aku takut ada fans Jonghyun yang ada suicidal thought juga. Sebab dia idol yang sangat popular dan shine bright. Banyak fans, banyak sangat. Dan dia a very good singer, of course fans dia banyak gila. Rasa macam hilang singer yang sangat great in Kpop industry. Lepas tu, aku scroll lagi twitter dan aku tengok, kakak Jonghyun lodged report dekat polis sebab rasa adik dia nak bunuh diri after received a text from him. Dan bila aku baca, aku secara tak langsung terus macam, Jonghyun ah, what happened? Slowly banyak update pasal dia belum meninggal, tengah CPR and so many more, banyak yang bagi harapan and some are still in state of denial, aku tahu of course susah nak terima. It's really a big thing kot. Then SM pun tak keluarkan official statement, for sure semua orang macam "no no he's still alive". Tapi lepas I saw news on KBS and heard the word "사망" , aku dah taknak baca twitter dah. Dari awal, memang ada portal news dah cakap police confirmed dia dah takde. Yes, uri jjong left us.
Aku slowly follow je diam diam, aku baca banyak idols dah start update dan finally bila dah confirmed, slowly everyone marah marah, sebab SM lambat, sedih dan slowly accepting. Accepting that Jonghyun left us, he left this world. Aku pun turut berduka cita, tapi nanti aku cerita kenapa aku pun sedih. Lepas tu, banyak kawan kawan Jonghyun start to post, CN Blue dengan FT Island antara yang terkesan. Update diorang buat aku rasa macam, mesti mereka tertanya tanya, what really happened to their friend and slowly as time passed, banyak cerita terungkap.
Few days before suicide, Jonghyun ada bagi "pandangan" dengan senyuman yang pelik sebelum concert dia end, dia pun dah habis record album dan mv dia, update instagram pun sebenarnya dah pelik, last update pasal lyric lagu, tapi maybe, we thought itu normal je. Then, baru tau dia rented the apartment tempat dia suicide, sebelum tu pergi convenience store dulu beli rokok dan sebagainya. Too many stories, sampailah kepada kisah "suicide note" dia. Depressing baca, sebab tertanya tanya apa yang dia rasa masa dia tulis, apa dia rasa waktu dia nak suicide. Then ada kawan rapat dia revealed memang Jonghyun banyak share dark side dia, dan selama ni Jonghyun dah lama bertahan...terlalu lama hold on, sampai akhirnya dia tewas, kalah dengan depression dia. Lagu lagu yang dia tulis pun, kalau tengok balik, everything make sense T-T Depression isn't a joke guys. Please. And lepas tu ada upload live dia dekat instagram, memang nampak macam dia penat dan sedih macam tu. Serious, sedih. Dan aku tengok funeral dia, banyak SHAWOL datang dan ada yang nangis jerit jerit. Bukan tu je, SHAWOL all over the world pun mourning. Semua ni too sudden. Someone yang happy, nampak ok sebenarnya tak okay. (I won't upload his suicide note, his text or anything, just don't want to add sadness over here. )
For me, Jonghyun ni adalah zaman sekolah aku. Shinee debut masa aku kat secondary school. Masa tu aku tengok diorang dekat 8TV, video noona neomu yeppeo. Dan slowly SHINee ni hits, banyak lagu popular. Dan memang tak dinafikan they are popular. Masa zaman aku matriks, banyak lagu diorang stay in my playlist. Entah kenapa, kena jugak lagu mereka dengan aku. Lagu Haru, Jojo, Romantic and so many more lah tu belum masuk lagu ost macam Stand By Me dengan Fly High. Jonghyun pun ada nyanyi lagu untuk OST antaranya lagu drama Oh My Venus tu. Bias aku dalam SHINee adalah Onew. Aku memang suka kpop, I'm SJ fan tapi aku support juga group lain but not as much as SJ. Dan Jonghyun ni terkenal sebagai twin lah ataupun dinosaurs sibling dengan ultimate bias aku, Lee Donghae. So macam Jjong ni ada peran juga in my life. His songs, his voice, his presence, semua ada peran. Kalau aku je pun dah sedih macam ni, imagine his fans. Sepanjang in kpop world ni, aku tak pernah macam dapat tahu someone yang i like, atau macam support tetiba suicide. This is the first time and I hope this is the last. I really hope.
And then I saw some harsh tweets dekat twitter, tweet like "yeay dah mati satu" and semua tu lah. I wish those people use otak diorang. Kpop or not, someone meninggal kot. Its not a small thing apalagi bila suicide and depression. Benda yang nampak macam tak real tu lah benda yang sebenarnya kena amik berat. You guys belum meet and interact dengan orang yang ada depression and suicidal thought so you never know. Sebab tu cakap jangan ikut sedap mulut. I wish you dapat educate your kids to not be like you. Then ada yang tanya, why nak sedih sangat over this Kpop guy? Fans biasa biasa dah lah. Okay guys, korang tak boleh anggap semua orang can be like you, think like you. No. Kpop fans ni bukan semua sama. Certain idol plays small role tapi important in someone's life, Takpe, next time kita bahas kalau aku rajin. Sebab benda ni complicated.
Whatever it is, Jonghyun, anda dahulunya bintang di atas pentas, kini anda bintang, dilangit sana. You are always a star to us. Thank you for everything, thanks dah filled my life for this 9-10 years with your voice and songs. Your presence. Sorry for not been able to tell you that you did well. You did well! You did oppa! Deepest condolences to you and your family. Your members and fans too. Rest well. No more sleepless night that made your life ring ding dong anymore.
To all Kpop fans all over the world no matter where you are, I'm sorry because this post is in Malay + English because I need to brush up my english, it's getting worse since I usually spent my time reading non-english book for my studies and I usually used different language in communicating so yeah. I just hope you guys are always okay, and keep supporting your idols. They are human too, don't pressed them to hard. Let them do what they want as long as it's not wrong. If they want to have a bf/gf, want to get married or even leave the group, let them be. They are human too. The most important thing is, keep telling them "you did well" "you are great" "you've worked hard". That will be okay. Remember, they are human too. Take care everyone. Kpop fans are the strongest fans in the world! SHAWOLs, keep your head up. SHINee needs you!
PLEASE SPREAD SOME POSITIVE VIBES! LOVE YOU GUYS!
JONGHYUN AH, THANKS AND YOU DID WELL, REALLY REALLY WELL! YOU ARE FOREVER A STAR!
Han
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