At my age, society expect me to . . .

 

Lately, I've been thinking... should I write this or not? Maybe I should, maybe I should not. I am afraid if someone who doesn't know me judge me based on my writing. Yes, I do. I am always like that, people first, I came second. That's a bad habit though. (manglish alert)

This 2018, I am 26 years old. I'm in between 25 and 30, age where people start to do what others expect you to do lah. Yes, and I've been thinking about this quite a while. But the more I think, the more I hate myself. Why do I need to do things people wish me to do? I just want to do things I want, but at the same time, I look at myself, I am 26 kot. Yeah, automatically like I need to do something. You have nothing! 0! And you look like a trash. Yes, I do feel that way, but as I keep telling myself, no I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't , here comes people who ruin everything, every part of you. *please someone save me, teach me how to express how I feel* Help me help me help me!

At my age, most of my friends are working, having family, going trips and shopping using their own money,  get engaged, get married, meeting their soulmate, buy their own house, get a new car, saves money, and so many things. They have a lot of experiences in working, know a lot of things about this and that, continue their studies and so many more. Basically, that's what people at my age are busy doing. Yes. Of course sometimes, I feel stressed over these facts, not because I am jealous, but because people expect me to be like what others are doing. It's basically annoying but I have to say this, don't put me at the same level as others. I live my own life. *but I will look like a sakkaji if i did that lol* 

First thing is of course, job. To people who know what course I took, they usually don't ask, but some did. When will you get your placement? Where will you choose? Why took so long? Hello, it's none of your business to be honest. Isn't enough when I said "havent get the placement yet". Kan? As I said, I can choose wherever I want, it depends on me. Then start lah, eh my friend got already, here here. Why you took so long? Hello macha, first tengoklah how long course dia, zzzz. I am okay kot being unemployed now, and when I said this people will be like "bolehlah parents kaya" wth?

Yes this parents thing dah ada since I study. They told me how lucky I am to get sponsored by my own parents, I have no debt with pitipitien, and stuffs. And they will start like not like us have to pay and all. Guys, do you know I was hurt with that statement. As a "bright" student *not so la* it's actually hurt my pride that I didn't have what it takes and have no rezeki to study things I don't want. You got me? Yes, it isn't my first choice though. I am eligible enough to study what I want, but I have no choice. You know nothing. Instead you keep telling me, I am lucky because my parents pay for my studies. And my parents aren't rich, idiot! We are just so-so. 

Third, money. Since I am not yet working, or do part time because of my situation and conditions, I have no money. So, of course my parents gave me money so at least I could get things I needed, or use it when I want to meet my friends because I was away for years, of course I need to spend time with some people, but what I hate it when "bestnya parents give money" "mak ayah sponsored okay lah kot, i parents mana bagi duit" and those kind of stuffs. Please they are my parents, they gave me so I could spend it on things I need, if I was away, they are the one who funded me. Why bitter? Why need to say " bolehlah parents sponsored" K, so what? You tau ke what I feel? At my age, I have no money and I need to ask it from my parents. People at my age give their parents money, but I don't. You ingat I tak malu? Because I don't have it sebab tu. But I am not stupid, I did sell some of my preloved stuffs to get extra money. You know nothing.

"Oh, you are travelling too much" "oh why you didn't go there, here got nothing lah" and so many more. "Why you asyik travel?" First of all, that's what I wanna do and that's what my parents agree to do so. They know I struggled a lot, that's why they let me enjoy my remaining time. Yes, once I got a placement, I might not be able to travel at all. I'll be busy. What's wrong with you guys? Seriously! And it's my choice wherever I want to go, even if I updated on SNS or anywhere, that's my SNS though. I never complained about you travel here and there and updated on your SNS? Because I don't give a fish about it. I have nothing against you, nothing to be jealous of. But why when it's my time to enjoy my holiday, people got bitter? Hello? And always, as always, using parents money is what people will point out. It's true but why make it as a point to attack me? I know some people save their money to travel, I know. I understand. I never said they are unlucky or pity them. They are better than me okay! And I always see people do better than me, pergi sana sini, and got many better things lah, tapi I takde complain like membenci or jealous. Malah, I told myself, I can do that too. I must usaha. Tu je. Why nak jealous with someone else's achievement, rezeki and all? Everyone ada jatah dia okay!

Fifth, marriage and those kind of stuffs. Guys, everyone mesti nak kahwin it's just people didn't get the seru, didn't meet the one and those kind of thing la sebab tu tak kahwin, tak engaged and all. Yes, different people have different phase in their life. Maybe I got married at the age of 30 and get kids at 35, or anything lah, basically only Allah knows. Plus, right now, I am sure I am not ready for marriage. I am very sure. Thinking of it je dah buat pening, so I decided to do things when I am ready. 'Bila entah ready tu kan?' Mesti ada yang balas gini, hahaha.  Aku ke kau nak kahwin? I knwo myself better okay. Maybe you kahwin cepat, rezeki anak cepat, alhamdulillah.  I am happy for you.  You don't need to be busy body lah when orang nak kahwin. They will once jodoh dah sampai. Bukan semua orang jumpa jodoh at usia muda okay. Plus, I told myself, if I feel like accepting someone to live with, I will. Plus, my kerja later pun, not everyone can understand. I need to find someone who can relax and accept my flaws guys i have too many flaws omg. and how if i nak sambung master, kena consider juga anak anak if i ada. i bukan kejar belajar, if i tak kejar pun, i nak cukup ilmu dan waktu educating my kids kay. I know, people will be shock kalau tahu you 26 and tak kahwin lagi, mesti people be like "you dah nak masuk 3 series" *okay i dah kena ni with someone* lol (?). and some even "you kena cari yang pangkat sama you" " you perempuan, pangkat bagus, cepatlah cari. nanti susah cari" Nak je i jawab, sokay I kahwin yang macam datuk K nanti kakakakakaka *ok main je*  PLEASE NO NEED TO BE KEPOCHI I KNOW LA BILA NAK KAHWIN . Kalau nak gurau boleh, we are always okay if its just gurau gurau, but learn dulu gurau tu apa dan macam mana.

and the last one, kpop kdramas. This one is very important to me. You can't just ask me to get rid of them, out of my life. Especially Lee Donghae. No, I am not obsessed. If I am, I am not here, I will stalk him and do weird things like sasaeng did. But I don't do that. I am okay. lol do i have to explain? Hahahaha. I don't understand why it is wrong to like them, to listen to their songs. I just don't know. People should respect other people's preference isn't? I don't understand why you like Beiber, or anyone lah, but I bet they must have something that make you like them kan? Same lah like me. Their small roles are important in my life. Only some people could relate. You can't say that I am not growing up bcs I still like this kpop things, lol. You must be a joke to world. I grew up with them, to me they are some kind of comfort you know. As I said, only some people can relate. When I feel tired, and almost give up, I told myself, "If oppa can do this, why can't i?" Something like this. When I feel like crying bcs I feel useless, I will listen to their song with lyrics that can comfort me, thing like this lah. So when people provoke me or questioned me saying I am not a small kid to like this kind of thing or thing like pls grow up and stop this kpop thing, I feel so sad. You are nothing compare to those people. I know them before I know you. Even you are my friend, when I am sad or when I need help, or someone to talk to, you werent there. You only become my friend when you want to, lol. You are nothing. At my age you expect I dengar apa? Irama keroncong or music barat ke biar sehala dengan tujuan you dan manusia lain? Hello?

I know many people at my age trying their best to do what society wants them to do. I want to cheer them up! It depends on them if they want to do it or not. God never said you must do what society want you to do. Apa yang society suruh isn't always what you need. You bezakan mana baik buruk dulu. Bandingkan. Use your brain, akal fikiran. Lepas tu, decide. We can't live our own life normally if we keep trying to keep up with what others want us to do. And you pun, no need to kepochi and ask someone else live their life macam what you expect. That's someone else's life weh. If nak tegur boleh *kalau memang perlu boleh nyanyi abang nak tegur sheezzz* tapi jangan try atur hidup orang. Penyibuk betul. Dan yang paling penting, no need to feel jealous with your friends. Just enjoy apa Tuhan bagi to you. Everyone ada rezeki masing masing. Kita tak perlu sibuk benda benda yang memang kita tak perlu masuk campur. 

Okay, I wrote this not because of this and that person, of whoever yang terasa, but I wrote this sebab memang it happened to me and it's getting annoying. This is what I've been receiving from some people. Not only one person okay. So tak payah nak terasa. If terasa, I can't help sebab semua ni dari my surrounding. I've been thinking for months wether to write it or not, and I did. Heol

Finally my heavy heart ringan sikit, indeed writing really help me tapi bila write ni, banyak terasa, sampai aku pening kepala nak tulis ke tak. So 2018, pergi mampus dengan jaga hati lol *resolution yang tak pernah tercapai because I myself mesti tak sampai hati*

bye. kuikui.

p/s : saje letak gambar donghae wekkk