Drained

I always asked myself, why it is so hard for me to express what I feel? I always keep everything in my heart. I never let others know how bad or good i feel. Hmm it is just so difficult to express it. They said if I keep myself this way, some people will take advantage on me. Which means, I will be much more miserable.

I just love the fact that I don't shout or raise my voice to people when I am angry. I just love the way I don't suddenly in rage and cause others to feel scared or guilty or whatever it is. But I know keeping everything inside and suppressed it doesn't help me at all. This week I am too drained. I feel so angry and frustrated and tired too but I don't know to whom I should let it out. I didn't tell anyone about it I keep it to myself. I didn't really talk because just by talking, I drained a lot of energy and people doesn't seem to understand that part of me. I've been keeping everything inside. I've been to cruel to myself yeah, I am tired emotionally.

I cried too much this week. Because I really can't take it anymore. Some people are really taking advantage on my kindness. I don't get angry but that doesn't mean I wont. I don't raise my voice because I really hate it. sometimes people find me easy to kill. Easy to deal with. Easy to do everything, never really consider that I have feelings too. I am not easy.

What I'm worried and tired of is, I always try to hold it. And sometimes I know I can't but, I'll pretend like I am okay with everything. No one really understand the struggle because they are not me. No one really care about how I feel at the first place as I am easy type, which means I am not going to get angry. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are not valid. I should jaga feeling orang lain more than mine and I ended up crying I am really really tired of everything maybe I should consider being strict and mean and brave and everything? just change myself to someone new?

I don't know. I know that keeping everything inside is not healthy. But that's what I do all this time which is not healthy.

I should stay strong before I leave. I really can’t take it anymore.

I want to quit.

Han