Am I?

 Finally, it’s October. Well nothing much about October, it just shows that, this 2021 is coming to an end.

Today I am writing again, because I just need to pour all these feelings and whatever I am thinking in some place, well I am good at writing so I will just let it flow by writing it somewhere, which is here.

Remember, what you read here, stays here ahha!

I guess if I have a husband one day, he might need to read between the lines or maybe he might need to detect what is going on without me telling that I am having a bad day, I have so much in my minds and so on.. well it’s impossible, because I know that husband doesn’t even exist lol

I have this special place in my heart for everyone who come into my life, either they stay or leave, it doesn’t matter, but they will always stay in my heart, including my patients. If they are nice, I will remember them as a nice person, if they are not, I will still take them as a nice person. Because, who am I to label people? My parents told me that I shouldn’t be assuming everyone is nice, some will take advantage on my kindness, but Idk, I guess I learnt from them too, haha. I might be clumsy, clueless or whatsoever that people find me as, but I don’t judge people that easily.

These few days, I’ve been thinking about this one poor soul. I don’t know why I must think about him but I guess, because everyone who comes, will always stay. He is actually my patient, but now he no more in this world. Alfatihah.

A sad thing about this poor soul, he left this world without family member by his side. Poor social support and poor prognosis too I guess? I am no one to judge what kind of life he been through but to me, if I were in his place, I will be very sad to die far from my family members. I’ve been living far from my family for quite sometime, 2010 till now, on and off meeting my family so of course I feel sad, because I need to still be far from my family when I am about to leave this world.

Well, talking about poor social support, I told one of my seniors that some people are lucky, they were born in such a great family with a good social support, some aren’t. We can’t literally questioned “why you become like this?” without knowing their background. Everyone deserves a second chance, I know I sounds stupid by thinking EVERYONE will change, everyone deserves a second chance, but that’s what I think.

I am not someone who is that open to some people. Mostly I keep everything in my mind and heart. Maybe that’s why I don’t really know people’s true color but at the same time, I don’t want to judge people. I just don’t want people to do the same to me, too.

Sometimes, I feel sad and bad for others too often, especially to my patients. I don’t know, lately too many things in my mind. I still remember few months ago, when one of my patient left this world, I can’t even sleep. I keep thinking about what happened. I keep thinking about his family members. And so many more, yeah I am an overthinker. But it hits different, I am not joking.

I still remember what happened few years back, I think I am still traumatized by that. And now when that happened again, I just can’t take it. They said my tolerance is so low to this kind of thing, but nahhh it’s just me being me. It’s not tolerance or what, it’s just me being me. I am too fragile to be in this field, and also maybe too “innocent”. Some said, I shouldn’t be fragile or sad whenever this kind of thing happened, but I just can’t, because as I said, everyone has their own place in my heart, doesn’t matter you stay or leave. Am I too dramatic? Nahhh maybe I am too sensitive over this kind of thing compare to you? Or everyone else?

Idk, sometimes I don’t like myself, because I am too soft and sensitive. But it’s just me being me.

It’s difficult to explain by words, that I can only write what I actually feel.

Idk, it’s just me being me. It’s just me being me. Yeah.

I am not sure how long I can stay and tahan all these. Should I change my personality? Should I not feel this way too often? But what I am afraid the most, is losing myself while finding for the new me. Or I should consider to leave this field, where you deal with lives and death?

I wish I could get a solid answer from the bottom of my heart but yeah it is not easy. Nothing easy in this world. Even to wake up also need motivation lol

At this hour, I should be sleeping, not writing all these haha.

But it’s the best time to tell everything I want. To let myself feel at ease tomorrow morning. I shared this feeling with whoever reading this.

Please pray for me. Please encourage me.

Thank you for your time.

Han