Hi everyone. How are you? I hope everyone is doing well. Eventhough no one will read this blog, but I assume someone will stumble upon this messy blog and read it, eventhough it is full of rants lol
It's September, and I am in my hemato rotation, which i find challenging as i am basically not interested in what i am doing and somehow i ended up in this rotation where all pandai people should be. I feel too difficult to be in this rotation but thanks to my specialist, i am still breathing lol.
Dealing with hemato cases, well to me personally i already feel bad for them as they are diagnosed with something which is either benign or malignant. Sakit is never a good news ya. It's really something that can make people sad and demotivated, well i am talking about my experience haha. Okay back to the topic, yeah and i am dealing with those who required chemotherapy. And chemotherapy, the aim is for remission not cure. Remission. And of course chemotherapy will have side effects and such, well everything we do semua ada side effect, so do chemo. Well risks are risks, in order to be healthy again, need to give a try. Well, all this decision depends on patient and family. Not us. We can suggest, but we can't make decision for them.
When you are in this field, of course, when you take care and follow up on these patients of yours, you will feel that they are someone that you care, eventhough they are actually strangers, like totally strangers. But because you are treating them and of course you wanna help them, sometimes you might have this thing like "too care" i mean they are not your family but somehow you will treat them as one. Of course its a good thing, but when it is too much, i think its not good for the doctor and also for the patient.
I used to be this kind of person. Whenever patient that I treated deteriorated, or died, I feel very bad till I can't even sleep sometimes and cry. Because I feel like I have failed to help them. But as time passed by, I realised, hey I am not a God, I am just a doctor. I can try my best, do what is necessary but I can't stop patient from dying if it's already their turn. Those days, where I will cry with patients family, but of course I lari dulu la baru cry. I still remember those days when I am too concerned about patient that I discharged from ward, whenever they didn't come for follow up, I feel like its my job to ask them to come for follow up. That was me few years ago. I think I am too too too care about orang lain.
Then, slowly I sedar, no, there's boundaries that I need to set. I tak boleh too too care dengan patient. I need to have a gap sikit. I can treat them as needed, but not take them too personally dalam hidup I. Do you get what I mean? Because when you did, you akan ada bias, and sometimes maybe you nak buat semua benda terbaik but at the end, what you think as the best for you, is not for the patient. It's like, i terlalu pushy for things I shouldnt. No, it's not good. You should try your best of course, but you cant be too pushy when things aren't going your way.
Example, its a cancer patient that is dying, but we are pushing too much to save him. I mean, till we do many unnecessary things despite we know the outcome, just because we want to give the best for the patient. But, is it really the best for the patient ? That is something you need to think. You can always do what you think is the best for patient but you need to consider about the patient and also the future outcome. Is it really the best? Will I reduce the suffering for my patient? Or I am prolonging it? This, need to be consider.
This is what I want to talk about today. Sometimes, ada benda kita kena let go. Tak semua benda yang kita berpaut tu, benda yang bagus. Tak semua benda yang kita suka tu, benda yang bagus. Sometimes ada benda yang you kena let go to prevent yourself or someone else form hurt. Too random kan? Yes I know.
For example, I dont like my work. But people think this work is the best for me, but is it really the best? The one who went through hell everyday is me, how can people think this is the best job for me? Kan? That is why i say, what we think as the best, tak semestinya the best for us or orang lain.
Another example, course yang kita ambik time study. We thought it is the best course, we like it, we want it but bila kita go through it, we realize it is very difficult to carry, and susah sangat tapi kita paksa diri kita to buat juga and stay in the course. And at the end kita yang hurt emotionally because kita tak boleh bawa course tu. Yes, tak semua benda kita suka tu bagus untuk kita. Apetah lagi kita nak cakap pasal orang lain.
Same goes with relationship. When we are in love with our partner but our partner are treating us like shit, and we stay because we love him, thats not love, thats stupidity. But even like that pun, we find it as the best for us despite we are hurting deeply. We should have let go of this kind of relationship.
Everything actually depends on us, to let go or to not let go. If by letting go you feel much better and happy, why not? And maybe bila you let go, more people will be happy and at ease? Not only you, maybe others too. Kan? Eventhough you tahu you akan sad for letting something or someone you love to go but then, I think , you need to understand and consider that there's better thing for you in the future. Sometimes we forgot that God always has better better plan for us, and of course semua benda has been planned earlier for us. of course itu kerja Tuhan.
So, whatever things that you are going through right now, tak kisahlah se personal apapun, think again. Sometimes, letting go is not always a bad thing. It can be a good thing too. I hope so.
Wish you many many happiness. You deserve to be happy.
Han
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