The Betrayal

Hi.

I am writing this in November 2024, 2 months aways from 2025.

Took me a few weeks to write up about how I feel. As usual, writing will always be one of the best ways to "let go" of this feeling.

Being someone who is a bit reserved and kinda scared to make new friends, of course it took me quite a long time to be friend with someone, to be close to someone, to trust someone. It is not easy for me. People might think I am their friend, but to me some people are just someone that I know, or maybe colleagues, or maybe housemates and so on. It is not easy to make friend, it is not easy for me to be close to someone and call them as my friend. Because to me, friend is someone that you want to help, you received help, and it's mutual. But for me, most of the time, I can't be a friend to others, maybe just someone who existed in other people life. I am not good enough to be one, and not good enough to have one and more. Maybe it's just me, yes it's just me who feel this way. But because I have bad experience back then, I am scared to make more friends. I want to have many friends, but I can't, because I am scared I can't be a good friend. I can listen to them, I can make them happy, but when I am in a very bad situation, not happy or when I am in slump, I can't even tell them, which at the end I will just disappear and settle things on my own. It's funny right? Yes but that is just me.

Recently I went through another bad experience of friendship. Someone that i trust, someone that I even spent time together when I have time, actually betrayed me and do bad things behind my back. Do you know how much I like this friend? A lot. I like this person a lot, I really like her a lot. I trust her. When I was sick last year, this person was with me. Being there for me. We always shared many stories together, did many things together when we have time, but I can't believe, she has another side. I don't want to believe it but it happened. I never thought this person said something bad about me to my boss. Well, it's actually just a joke between us but Idk whats her motive of taking the joke as something serious. But at the end, because my boss isn't that type who believe things blindly so she try to clarify with me however in between so many things happened so my boss didn't manage to clarify it with me. I did ask this person who talked bad about me to my boss but she kept saying its not her. And because she is my friend, I believe her. Because I trust her. Until my another boss said that someone is trying to stop my boss from clarifying things with me, made me wonder, who is this person? Is it my friend? Because the only person I talked to was her. But she denied everything, and asked me to forget about it. It is nothing. Small issue. However she cant prove to me that she is not that person who spoke ill about me. And she disappeared. She never texted me after that, of course I feel bad about it and think, maybe I was wrong because I suspected her, so I went to find my boss and clarify with her.

Yes, it is her who talked about me. Saying I spread gossip and accused her of doing something bad. But the plot twist was, yes it's memang her who did such thing. Of course, I am shocked when they revealed it.  I can't believe she did such thing. I mean, why she had to use my name and say I spread gossip about her? But how funny it is, it's memang her who did such bad things. Everyone's theory is that she just want to use my name so that everyone will think me as a bad person that spreading false gossip, to cover things she did behind everyone.

Truthfully, I dont care about what she did. I mean, i dont want to know. Because it is disgusting. That I dont even want to know further. I dont want to believe she did that. What makes me sad is, i trust her so much, i like her, but she did this to me, using my name and talk bad about me to my boss. Can you imagine that? I am old enough la for this kind of drama. I just want a simple life, my life is already very hard to live on, and now I have to accept this kind of things?

I cried few days, took me weeks to process all these. I took leave fro work because I cant take it. I feel very disappointed. Because someone I trust and care, did this kind of thing to me. I feel betrayed of course. Even when I am typing this, I think of her, think of things we did together and things she did to me. I think she is trying to avoid me too as she is at guilt. I can't even see her. I feel sad if I did. I am this kind of person. I know it's too much for maybe "small thing" for others but to me, who is a bit reserved, who only allowed few people in my life, it is really a big thing. 

Maybe next time, I shouldn't let people in anymore. I dont trust anyone. I should just live alone. I shouldn't have any friends. T-T . Till now, I still can't forgive her. I hope she stop doing disgusting things. So people wont gossip about her. 

I hope many good things will happen in November. And I hope I can let go of this feeling. I know it is difficult given that I am very bad in expressing my feelings.

Han