2025 and I am still alive

Hi everyone. How are you? I am not sure ada tak orang baca my blog in 2025 but if ada, I wish you such a bless year! Thank you for coming here.

It's April 2025 now. Tomorrow is the last day of April 2025 and will be moving to May 2025 soon. For those who by any chance read this and didn't follow me on facebook nor instagram, I have made such a big move this year. I don't know if I should be proud or not for being brave, but yeah I guess I should not regret whatever decision I have made.

First thing first in this 2025, I have finally let go of something that I have been holding on for the past 4 years. Yes, I left medical department in January 2025. I did my service till 31/12/24. The decision was too sudden and I didn't expect my wish was granted immediately. After 1 day of expressing my wish, the next day I was told that my wish was granted. And I need to start in my new department in January 2025. While I was in medical, I went through a lot. I learned a lot. And I met many people. And most of them are indeed a super nice person, that I want to work with , for like a long time, but I know I can't. Likely because kitonyo manjo. Okay, actually there's a reason behind it but let me keep it to myself. I just, let it go. And medex that I took saje saje and passed, well, I just let it go too. Well, sedih when I left, out of sudden but my existence wont change anything. Medical people still need to work as usual. My 4 years gone just like that, but I never regret on my decision to enjoy that torturing 4 years. I am happy and I am grateful to be able to be in that department and learnt new things. Thanks everyone.

New environment, made me a bit stressed, and uncomfortable as it is totally a new world, like it is too complicated, but I know, I can do this. My MO used to say this to me when I was a HO "campaklah kau kat mana pun, kau akan hidup" and yes, I am still alive despite struggling. It's totally a new world but I will try my best. It's just that, I have to meet more people every weekend. Haha

This year also, I went to D&E concert in KL. I am happy to be able to use my S24 ultra for fancam because the video and pictures are super awesome and also because I can see my crush, Hae Oppa. I hope wherever you are, you will always be happy and healthy. Including this one person, that left me last year for a better life and future, eventhough you might not know this, but I hope, and always wish for your happiness and of course, I wish you are always healthy. Treat people as many as you can, reach your dream, eventhough I am not part of it, ehh tibe. Be happy, and healthy, oppa and that person.

In February, I started to join a sign language class. Well, okay. I want to learn more as I really love languages. I decided to try this one. I want to enjoy whatever I can now. Now, I have more time to spend on myself. What I saw on instagram last year, does affect me, in a good way. I think I should love myself too. I am not getting younger. I should do things that I want to do. I should love and care about myself more. Stop making other people happy, but you were suffering. Stop treating people's emotions, but forget yours. Well, just complete my exam for this part. I hope I passed and can level up!

This year puasa is quite challenging. Since January I have been having neck pain and also headaches. Likely due to posture during working, as previous department I need to be super active in ward, but now more on relax mode. I am scared it something else like 2 years ago, I did MRI for the first time, luckily there's nothing. Maybe it's because of the nerve itself. Now after did some simple exercise, having better ergonomics equipment, this pain has reduce a bit. And guess what, this year raya, I ada nephew sudah . Earlier last year my lil bro got married and my nephew was born last year November. Such a cutie boy but errr I don't think I can have one. 

May is coming soon, I should start thinking what I want to do this year other than pampering myself. I want to do things I want this whole year, try new things and meet some people. I hope my real oppa will come and find me this year, if not I will be single again this year hahaha

Please always pray that I will always be healthy ya.

Thank you for reading this post.

I miss you.

Han

The Betrayal

Hi.

I am writing this in November 2024, 2 months aways from 2025.

Took me a few weeks to write up about how I feel. As usual, writing will always be one of the best ways to "let go" of this feeling.

Being someone who is a bit reserved and kinda scared to make new friends, of course it took me quite a long time to be friend with someone, to be close to someone, to trust someone. It is not easy for me. People might think I am their friend, but to me some people are just someone that I know, or maybe colleagues, or maybe housemates and so on. It is not easy to make friend, it is not easy for me to be close to someone and call them as my friend. Because to me, friend is someone that you want to help, you received help, and it's mutual. But for me, most of the time, I can't be a friend to others, maybe just someone who existed in other people life. I am not good enough to be one, and not good enough to have one and more. Maybe it's just me, yes it's just me who feel this way. But because I have bad experience back then, I am scared to make more friends. I want to have many friends, but I can't, because I am scared I can't be a good friend. I can listen to them, I can make them happy, but when I am in a very bad situation, not happy or when I am in slump, I can't even tell them, which at the end I will just disappear and settle things on my own. It's funny right? Yes but that is just me.

Recently I went through another bad experience of friendship. Someone that i trust, someone that I even spent time together when I have time, actually betrayed me and do bad things behind my back. Do you know how much I like this friend? A lot. I like this person a lot, I really like her a lot. I trust her. When I was sick last year, this person was with me. Being there for me. We always shared many stories together, did many things together when we have time, but I can't believe, she has another side. I don't want to believe it but it happened. I never thought this person said something bad about me to my boss. Well, it's actually just a joke between us but Idk whats her motive of taking the joke as something serious. But at the end, because my boss isn't that type who believe things blindly so she try to clarify with me however in between so many things happened so my boss didn't manage to clarify it with me. I did ask this person who talked bad about me to my boss but she kept saying its not her. And because she is my friend, I believe her. Because I trust her. Until my another boss said that someone is trying to stop my boss from clarifying things with me, made me wonder, who is this person? Is it my friend? Because the only person I talked to was her. But she denied everything, and asked me to forget about it. It is nothing. Small issue. However she cant prove to me that she is not that person who spoke ill about me. And she disappeared. She never texted me after that, of course I feel bad about it and think, maybe I was wrong because I suspected her, so I went to find my boss and clarify with her.

Yes, it is her who talked about me. Saying I spread gossip and accused her of doing something bad. But the plot twist was, yes it's memang her who did such thing. Of course, I am shocked when they revealed it.  I can't believe she did such thing. I mean, why she had to use my name and say I spread gossip about her? But how funny it is, it's memang her who did such bad things. Everyone's theory is that she just want to use my name so that everyone will think me as a bad person that spreading false gossip, to cover things she did behind everyone.

Truthfully, I dont care about what she did. I mean, i dont want to know. Because it is disgusting. That I dont even want to know further. I dont want to believe she did that. What makes me sad is, i trust her so much, i like her, but she did this to me, using my name and talk bad about me to my boss. Can you imagine that? I am old enough la for this kind of drama. I just want a simple life, my life is already very hard to live on, and now I have to accept this kind of things?

I cried few days, took me weeks to process all these. I took leave fro work because I cant take it. I feel very disappointed. Because someone I trust and care, did this kind of thing to me. I feel betrayed of course. Even when I am typing this, I think of her, think of things we did together and things she did to me. I think she is trying to avoid me too as she is at guilt. I can't even see her. I feel sad if I did. I am this kind of person. I know it's too much for maybe "small thing" for others but to me, who is a bit reserved, who only allowed few people in my life, it is really a big thing. 

Maybe next time, I shouldn't let people in anymore. I dont trust anyone. I should just live alone. I shouldn't have any friends. T-T . Till now, I still can't forgive her. I hope she stop doing disgusting things. So people wont gossip about her. 

I hope many good things will happen in November. And I hope I can let go of this feeling. I know it is difficult given that I am very bad in expressing my feelings.

Han

To let go or not to let go?

Hi everyone. How are you? I hope everyone is doing well. Eventhough no one will read this blog, but I assume someone will stumble upon this messy blog and read it, eventhough it is full of rants lol

It's September, and I am in my hemato rotation, which i find challenging as i am basically not interested in what i am doing and somehow i ended up in this rotation where all pandai people should be. I feel too difficult to be in this rotation but thanks to my specialist, i am still breathing lol.

Dealing with hemato cases, well to me personally i already feel bad for them as they are diagnosed with something which is either benign or malignant. Sakit is never a good news ya. It's really something that can make people sad and demotivated, well i am talking about my experience haha. Okay back to the topic, yeah and i am dealing with those who required chemotherapy. And chemotherapy, the aim is for remission not cure. Remission. And of course chemotherapy will have side effects and such, well everything we do semua ada side effect, so do chemo. Well risks are risks, in order to be healthy again, need to give a try. Well, all this decision depends on patient and family. Not us. We can suggest, but we can't make decision for them.

When you are in this field, of course, when you take care and follow up on these patients of yours, you will feel that they are someone that you care, eventhough they are actually strangers, like totally strangers. But because you are treating them and of course you wanna help them, sometimes you might have this thing like "too care" i mean they are not your family but somehow you will treat them as one. Of course its a good thing, but when it is too much, i think its not good for the doctor and also for the patient.

I used to be this kind of person. Whenever patient that I treated deteriorated, or died, I feel very bad till I can't even sleep sometimes and cry. Because I feel like I have failed to help them. But as time passed by, I realised, hey I am not a God, I am just a doctor. I can try my best, do what is necessary but I can't stop patient from dying if it's already their turn. Those days, where I will cry with patients family, but of course I lari dulu la baru cry. I still remember those days when I am too concerned about patient that I discharged from ward, whenever they didn't come for follow up, I feel like its my job to ask them to come for follow up. That was me few years ago. I think I am too too too care about orang lain.

Then, slowly I sedar, no, there's boundaries that I need to set. I tak boleh too too care dengan patient. I need to have a gap sikit. I can treat them as needed, but not take them too personally dalam hidup I. Do you get what I mean? Because when you did, you akan ada bias, and sometimes maybe you nak buat semua benda terbaik but at the end, what you think as the best for you, is not for the patient. It's like, i terlalu pushy for things I shouldnt. No, it's not good. You should try your best of course, but you cant be too pushy when things aren't going your way.

Example, its a cancer patient that is dying, but we are pushing too much to save him. I mean, till we do many unnecessary things despite we know the outcome, just because we want to give the best for the patient. But, is it really the best for the patient ? That is something you need to think. You can always do what you think is the best for patient but you need to consider about the patient and also the future outcome. Is it really the best? Will I reduce the suffering for my patient? Or I am prolonging it? This, need to be consider.

This is what I want to talk about today. Sometimes, ada benda kita kena let go. Tak semua benda yang kita berpaut tu, benda yang bagus. Tak semua benda yang kita suka tu, benda yang bagus. Sometimes ada benda yang you kena let go to prevent yourself or someone else form hurt. Too random kan? Yes I know.

For example,  I dont like my work. But people think this work is the best for me, but is it really the best? The one who went through hell everyday is me, how can people think this is the best job for me? Kan? That is why i say, what we think as the best, tak semestinya the best for us or orang lain. 

Another example, course yang kita ambik time study. We thought it is the best course, we like it, we want it but bila kita go through it, we realize it is very difficult to carry, and susah sangat tapi kita paksa diri kita to buat juga and stay in the course. And at the end kita yang hurt emotionally because kita tak boleh bawa course tu. Yes, tak semua benda kita suka tu bagus untuk kita. Apetah lagi kita nak cakap pasal orang lain.

Same goes with relationship. When we are in love with our partner but our partner are treating us like shit, and we stay because we love him, thats not love, thats stupidity. But even like that pun, we find it as the best for us despite we are hurting deeply. We should have let go of this kind of relationship.

Everything actually depends on us, to let go or to not let go. If by letting go you feel much better and happy, why not? And maybe bila you let go, more people will be happy and at ease? Not only you, maybe others too. Kan? Eventhough you tahu you akan sad for letting something or someone you love to go but then, I think , you need to understand and consider that there's better thing for you in the future. Sometimes we forgot that God always has better better plan for us, and of course semua benda has been planned earlier for us. of course itu kerja Tuhan.

So, whatever things that you are going through right now, tak kisahlah se personal apapun, think again. Sometimes, letting go is not always a bad thing. It can be a good thing too. I hope so.

Wish you many many happiness. You deserve to be happy.

Han

Is it worth it?

Hi hello and welcome to my blog (i know no one is reading this freaking post but i just wanna say hello)

I've been thinking about this lately, I don't think this job is suitable for me. But at the same time, Idk if I am good at something else. I can't even choose what I like, and can't even tell what I am good at.

I wish life is a bit easier on me, or maybe it's already easy but I am not functioning well T-T so everything seems so difficult.

I've been spending more than 10 years doing this shit (med school 6 years, HO 2 years, MO 3 years), and I feel it will be such a waste if I decided to end it. But the more I hold onto it, the more sad I am, the more difficult for me, and obviously my mental health... yeah...

What actually i want in life? What actually I am good at? Did i ever do a good job with my current job? IDK, this empty feeling killed me.

Maybe i should just resign, go for some trips that can help me find myself... but how if... yeah how if.. i didn't? I am scared to start a new journey, but I am sad in this current journey...

Is there any door that can open without i myself go and knock ah?

too empty. my life seems like nothing. too empty.

empty. and sad. and stressful.

Tired of this. but i love clinical. but i am tired.

Is it worth it?

bye

Sad rant

Hi.

Recently…been having mental breakdown. I think, something that I thought already settled but actually…no. Maybe it will be there on and off. Previously, I will cry whenever i feel overwhelmed. I dont even care whether its public or not, if it is during oncall or reviewing patient, I will just cry if I feel too stressed. Yes that’s me.

After I fell sick a few months ago, I think I came back a bit stronger than I was. Things I thought I couldn’t do, I actually did it very well. Maybe it is just me and my strong willpower lol. I ignored many bad words or sarcastic things that I heard, I basically didnt overthink that much. I managed to cope. Yes. Despite I am sick. Lol. 

Recently idk why, I have no confidence at all. I think bcs I took someone word seriously. I think what this person said is true and matter the most. But actually, whatever that person says, i should not have think about it. I should just ignore and try to make myself a better person. But I keep on thinking about it and in between many things happened that really made myself lost the confidence I have, that small confidence.

Everyone has their own pace. That is what my mo used to tell me. And i remember it till now. So i take things slowly. Do it based on my pace. But sometimes its difficult when people expect too much from you. They expect you to be what they want you to. Which is a bit difficult for me. I took years to be comfortable with things. And I know some people find it unacceptable but thats how i function.

I still remember when I was a junior MO i mean freshly junior MO, I cant even do hd catheter insertion on my own, put cvl on my own, cant even do LP on my own. I am always scared even to intubate. But now I am a bit confident. I can do those things on my own eventho there are some procedures I am still not good at such as ijc insertion, chest tube, biopsy and bmat. I am still scared to do pleural tapping sometimes but i think i am improving, at least a bit. A small achievement at least for me. Some people might think i am very slow, always at the same spot, never grow, nahhh you dont know me but dare to judge. It takes a lot of courage and energy to be where i am now. Everyone did well, they are fast learner, they are better than me in whatever they are doing, but i am glad i have some improvement, eventho people might find it as nothing. Last time, i remember…i dont know many things, at least now i know what to do even it is a simple thing. Some people will find it unbelievable for someone like me who has been like almost 3 years in the department to not know many things. Yes i did. I dont know many things but i am learning. Sadly i am not a fast learner. It took me some time to do something, to understsnd something. So i find it very stressful when people expect me to be like what they want me to be.

Recently one of my specialists told me that he cant believe that idk a simple thing when i myself already in this dept for few years. To be honest, most of the time, I actually know the answer but i prefer to say i dont. Because i am scared, i am wrong. Then theres some misunderstanding. Ahh i cant even typed it bcs i feel like no use also if i explain. But i really take to heart la whatever he said. I hate people who never want to listen to other people explaination. It make me sad and feel so stress. And breakdown. I keep blaming myself over things. Blaming myself everyday.

Let me tell you something. Sometimes, what came out from our mouth might stays forever in other people’s heart. Might stays forever. Remember that. So say something nice or maybe not that harsh, especially if you dont know the person that much. Dont regret later.

Because of what he says, i was really really not in a good state after that. I keep blaming myself, think that I did nothing for patients, think that I am not doing good, doing not enough for patient. I am such a loser. Despite being not junior anymore, I am still a loser in many things. I am not worth it. Just like that the whole week feels like shit. Seriously. I dont know what i am doing that week.

Luckily now i am on leave. But funnily i keep dreaming about patients. Which is not good. The guilty feeling and that loser feeling is still there. I just want to forget about this. I just want to move forward. But i know this too, will take time to heal. I am just a  “fragile” person.

Pls pray for me. Just let me do things smoothly. Let me be happy again. Pls pray that God will remove this sad feeling.

Han

book recommendations by me hehe

 Hi. Happy 2024.

March 2024 and finally, I am here writing something. well obviously no one will read this but at least, I am letting things out as many as I can. Well, writing is always one of the best ways to release some stress after sleeping, at least for an introvert like me.

Started working since December 2023, well of course with follow up almost every month. Yes for sure it's in peninsular, melayang la duit ticket haha. They said my condition is actually improving but I started to have the complication already, which is common for this disease. My heart sunk a bit after knowing but there is nothing I can do. Things happened and I am trying to accept it even though I know in the future I will struggle, yeah. Despite sinking heart lol, I am still very compliant okay to take medications even though it's not nice and annoying hahaha.

Past few months I started reading some books/novels. Yeah most of it, about mental health. But nowadays I had difficulties in reading too, so things become a bit difficult for me. I can't really read properly , many words hahahaha. But I would like to suggest all of you (or maybe suggesting back to myself as I am the only one reading this blog hahahahaha) a good book. Past few months, I started with " I want to die but I want to eat tteokbeokki". Indeed it's a very good book I would like to recommend to everyone. If you feel like you are going through a hard time, this book is indeed a good book for you to read. I can relate , like super can relate with this book. This book basically telling a story about the author's life, and her mental health issue. Surprisingly, whatever she wrote, I can totally relate to it. People with stress or maybe depression surely can relate to it. 

Another book that I would like to recommend is "The Things You Can Only See When You Slow Down". It is a book full of advices. Written by a monk, writing about his life and people he met, and simple story about those people who sought him for life advices. This author wrote something that I guess everyone can relate, I mean the examples are all related to our daily life. I find it helpful. I feel like "okay some people went through almost the same thing like me, but their reactions to what happened in their life sometimes are different from mine." It's like you can see other people's point of view, other people's life stories through his writing. I am now reading his another sequel, "Love for imperfect things" hehe. The more I read, the more I realised, I am not alone in this world. Everyone is struggling, and their life story is almost the same like mine. And so on. I am glad that I know about this book.

The last book that I would like to recommend is a novel, quite popular novel from Korea, Welcome To The Hyunamdong Book Shop". To be honest, I just completed this book a week ago and what I can say, yes it's a very heartwarming novel. I really like the story line and the characters in this novel. I like how every character has their own story. The author is basically brilliant. I just love the bookshop vibe, and the owner. I like how this novel taught us many things about life and love. And of course, struggles in our life. I think I will re-read the book in few months haha. There are many good advices and also quote in it. Please everyone read this book haha

Well, initially I wanna write about something else on this post but, ended up writing about books. I think I start to love reading, I mean not medical book la hahahahaha

Btw, recently my little brother just got married. Among my siblings, I am the only one that is still single. Of course la people got joke about me, making me feel like I am useless and tak malu because I belum kawin and those questions "when is your turn?" "already ada calon? Ugh so annoying. Please respect me okay, there are things you take perlu tanya. Or busy body. Just focus on yourself. Hahaha

Oh God, just realised it's 11pm already. Maybe I should sleep as I need to work tomorrow and tomorrow I have clinic to attend and patients to see.

Thank you for reading this small blog of mine. Please always pray for me, that I will stay healthy and cute, eh tibe. Please take care everyone. Maybe you guys can leave me some comments or feedback about books I've recommended above. (if got la)

Bye

Han

October 23

So fast it's already October 2023. Time flies. And many things happened. Too many. From work life to personal life. A lot.

Writing here today, just because I feel like writing. While listening to Red scarf by Wei Bird.

I don't know I should start from where, but basically things happened.

Currently I am on my sick leave. Haven't go to work properly since July. Have to go back to Peninsula because I have to seek some expert opinion over here as borneo doesn't have it. I am still on treatment for now. They said it's improving. It's working. It's responding. I hope so. They said I am lucky to be able to detect it earlier. Sykur.

But I was suffering a bit la, lol as the treatment doesn't really work on me at first. Seems like this treatment will take some time but I hope, I will recover as soon as possible. I do miss my stress working life. Sitting at home, going back and forth to hospital/kk as a patient doesn't make me happy at all. Okay maybe bcs I was admitted twice prior to my sick leaves lol. So I macam lama sangam left my work haha.

There are many things I want to see and do in my life. But I know, if I want to do everything, I need money and time. Which is I am not very sure whether I will have it enough or not. Hmm

I wonder which path will I choose later. What is my future. Where will God lead me to? I truthfully don't know. Still haven't decide on taking exam and become specialist. Idk... ahhhh life.

It's okay. Just find what's the meaning of this life first lol just lemme recover first and decide later. who knows suddenly I got married ke apa haha. OKAY STOP 

If you ever encounter this post, whoever you are, please pray for me, that I will recover as soon as I can, work normally and do my oh so stress on call haha. hope I will become a better person every year, every moment, every time. please pray that I will always be healthy. and finish my treatment successfully. okay tbh the medications do give me side effects till now but I treat it as much as I can because I need the medications. So please pray that I will tolerate my treatment as good as I can. Tq gais love you.

thank you for reading this post :)

Han.