Dec 30

Hi and assalamualaikum!

It's been a while

Wait, let me tarik nafas first and yeah i hate myself

Eh why? Because i am so incompetent *yadayada*

Dah try oncall but kept getting complicated case that i myself felt so takut to handle, yeah we are talking about my confidence!

For some reason, maybe i salah pilih jalan hidup ni omg nak dramatik sikit tapi macam tak sesuai dengan my personality kan? Tapi nak dramatik jugak. Mungkin 2 months yg i gave to myself as trial untuk jadi mo berwawasan seems tidak meyakinkan, tidak membanggakan. I look stupid! I know. Medical mungkin not my thing and then I learnt that no one actually wants me pun in that department. This is what i heard la kan.

I felt so sad of course because previous hod really wants me in his department 😭 Takpelah i is redho. I bagi je apa i ada, i mean khidmat i. If you guys nak kick i, dipersilakan.

Actually, i feel guilty dekat my seniors and colleague sebab i jenis tak confident and incompetent. Entah la. I buat betul dah cuma i questioned myself. I doubted myself. Macam hmmm entahlah. Macam tak tahu apa apa 😭

And I jenis fragile pulak tu kan so when someone kept tegur me and using a very sarcastic or tajam words, i feel so sad and rasa macam tak ada keyakinan dah. Maybe orang tak faham kan macam mana I feel tapi macam tu lah.

I suka medical even masa i houseman. Even kena marah hari hari pun i tak pernah taknak datang kerja as a houseman. I nak kerja sungguh sungguh. That's me. But now, as people pun make me feel not appreciated, tak pernah encourage me properly, and asyik make me down, everyday rasa taknak kerja. Entahlah. Maybe I changed kot? Atau i sensitif kot, but Idk i feel macam no one needs me sebab bila i mself managing patient, even small mistake yang i didn't make pun, i kena. Bcs i tak pandai explain, defend myself. Sampai aku pulak kena sabotage dengan houseman aduhai.

Takpelah, lagipun sekarang dah kena send masuk team pandemic kan, so takdelah orang stress bila round kan, takdelah round lambat kan, sebab usually the cause of all these is me. Sekarang mungkin semua pun smooth je, without me.

Harap sangat i could improve. And if i still tak improve, maybe i will quit. Berhenti. Tak payah tiap malam terjaga fikir pasal patient, terjaga konon nak passover patient  and so on.

Sekarang, bumi sedang menangis, tepat jam setengah 3, dan aku kerja malam team pandemik.

Doa yang baik baik.