Being slow

 Hi everyone. Wait, is there anyone reading this small and so not interesting blog?

It’s okay tho, I am here just to write, write and write whatever I feel like writing.

Expressing my feelings and my thoughts is actually a good thing to do kot.

So, a month in general ward, medical is something that need to learn by heart, need to learn and keep learning till you die hidup balik then die again. Yeah.

Maybe I am not suitable to be in this department. This department is full of pandai people while me, yang sedang sedang saja, eh geram pula iPad ni duk asyik autocorrect

Yeah, I know where I stand, i am lacking in so many ways. Maybe i should just find something else to do in my life, or maybe, not medical? Should try other dept kot? But for how long you wanna try and error? Knowing i like medical but not so power in managing, actually i am quite sad. No matter how much i learn also, i feel like I don’t know so many things. Tu baru knowledge, belum lagi flow kerja. I feel like quitting already, ahh seriously.

I feel like i am burdening my seniors all the time, i can’t pick up everything fast fast while they are used to kerja fast fast one, idk. Maybe I shouldn’t really be in this department. Well I do feel disappointed with myself, and sad and also hate myself but i know this is a learning process, i want to try my best but idk why this thing is not working like what i wish la. I don’t know what is actually good or bad for me.

Okay of course i enjoyed my anaesth posting so much that i learnt a lot. Medical is my first posting and i was a first poster that time, i didn’t even get too much exposure during my training. But i love to be in medical? And at the same time, anaesthesia is a good department too. But i didn’t get chance to float there as a mo. Yeah i know i want anaesth but thing doesn’t go like what i want. I floated in medical and end up in medical again. I am lack of experience, yeah i know my colleagues must be having a hard time having me around. But some are really nice, i am grateful to meet them. They are much more than i need. Some spent their post all day to teach and help me. Some even willing to teach me through phone, how to use usg machine and so many more.

I know sometimes i am not good in communicating but i hope they know that whatever they are doing now to me are good things and i will always pray for them and will always remember what they did to me. If they need my help, i will surely help them. Because they gave so much to me, and i should know that i should do something in return

I am slow but i am willing to learn. I might cause headache to everyone but i really want to do my best. I am still new and lack of experience. I know that. I always want reassurance. I am not like others. Well  sometimes i wish i am not even exist so I don’t need to burden others and make people feel annoyed hahahahaha.

This is just my first month and i am losing all the positivity that i have collected all these while aigoo ya. But this time i am serious. I might just quit, or change my department if i really cannot tolerate. Quitting is better so no one will feel burden hahahaha and also now, feel like nothing dah. Nothing i can do. Kontrak kan? Hmm

Just hope i can withstand all these. I know it will be difficult. But you know, Mas Tulus once said, “yang terburuk kelak bisa jadi yang terbaik” 

So please pray for me ya gais. Thank you for all your prayers all these while. I am going through a hard time also. Please pray for me. Lately i rarely keep in touch with my friends, because i easily feel tired. My mood also not that good. I keep thinking about others and patients hahaha which is not good. I should enjoy my life too, kan? I feel like i might leave this world soon, because of kepenatan lol

Nasib baik ada hospital playlist hahaha syiok la sikit

Okay till here. I should sleep.

Bye