Comfort zone?

Hi everyone. Not sure anyone will read this blog but just in case someone read this, I hope you’ll have a great day everyday!

I’ve been trying to write on this blog since last week but I think I am too drained kot, and malas. So i keep everything inside and only decided to write about it today.

Do you know, everyone needs time,some people they have a very great pace in doing something, and some people don’t. Do you ever notice and aware of this? Of course la kan! Unless you have no common sense at all. Some people, they are a fast learner, some stay in the middle, and some are kinda slow learner. But everyone did their best in whatever they are doing, and of course we are no one to judge.

I was hurt by a statement last week.

“ You are in your comfort zone, you need to grow. You are not growing like this” 

Feels like someone shot me, the bulllet went straight to my heart , and somehow asystole. Who are you to tell me that I am in my comfort zone? Please don’t talk as if you know me. It hurts. Really hurt.

I really wish I am in my comfort zone. I really want to be in one. But it is not as simple as that. If some people took only few months to adapt, I am not. I know myself the best, I know what I can do and what I can’t. I know myself very very well. I know when I am ready, and when I am not.

One of my specialists asked me few weeks ago,

“So, you dah biasa? Still adapting?”

Yes, still adapting despite being here since March, and joining the department since June, I am still adapting. I still have a lot to learn, and a lot to adapt to. I know it sounds selfish, because everyone going through hard times too, not only me, but at least I didn’t judge and say something without thinking.

“Takkan lah cakap macam tu pun nak terasa?”

I have feelings too, remember that. And I terasa once I cannot tahan and cant take it anymore. Most of the time I keep everything inside, sometimes I don’t even talk back when people say something I find not okay or unfair to me. I didn’t complaint much, I keep it to myself. So when I reached my limit, that’s it. I have right to terasa also, to feel hurt also.

By the way, I really want to be in a comfort zone, but I am not yet there. I really want to do a lot of things, that I can’t properly do. I am actually not even in a stable zone, difficult to stabilize hahahaha and talking about comfort zone? Even to talk to people also I have to think many many times then only I dare to say. Afraid I might hurt them and also afraid I might cause a misunderstanding.

The problem is me ke? Why am I like this? Is there something I can do right? Why is it so difficult to adapt? Should I just give up? Should I just get out from this not so stable zone and leave to a very comfy zone?

At the end, it’s always me. I am not young anymore. And I am not that good in socializing. My skills are not good like others, I so lambat to adapt, yeah yeah. It’s me.

Maybe I really should consider leaving, rather than I keep making others having a hard time. I am having a hard time too because of this comfort zone thing. It keeps on playing in my mind, that I am not growing and don’t want to grow. I want to grow, but I know it takes time. I just need someone who can see that I am actually growing and I am actually trying my very best everyday, to grow. That kind of person is enough. Should I consider leaving? Maybe I should. Hmm

The more I write, the sad I become lol. But at least this heavy feeling reduced.

And now I got to know that I need to rotate ward, that means I have to start from zero again. Talking about  my social skill -____-  Pheeeeew that means, I will start to have a hard time again, to adapt.

Haih, it would be nice if someone can relate. Sobs.

Han