Bottled

Hi.

It’s me again, writing in this small blog of mine.

Place where I can really tell my real feelings and what I’ve been keeping inside.

Actually I’ve been trying to stay strong by keepin everything inside, bottled up, till I feel like vomiting, and crying and I feel like, why I have to feel this way. You know, it’s not easy to keep everything inside without really expressing it, but I did. Which is actually, nothing to be proud of haha

It’s already 2022, but I feel like I did nothing much. I dont know, maybe I am not improving and I am nothing compared to others. Oh man, I hate comparing myself to others, but lately I did. I did all the time. I don’t know where all my motivations had left me, but yes, I am a bit down and sad, and I realized I start to compare myself to others, which is not good, and I know that.

I can’t find any motivation for now, I feel like giving up too. I am not going to do this thing anymore, I feel like I am not suitable to do what I am doing now. Or in other words, I am not happy and not good at it? I doubt myself most of the time, and even now.

Am I walking in the right path? Is my interest slowly leave me? But why? Maybe I am too stressed, been doing back to back oncall until all the kakak tak tahan see my face anymore due to my jonahness. But yeah, I agree, I realized and reached my point during this back to back oncall which actually made me realize, this department is not for me. The most hated part is when no one is there when I am in need because they have things they need to do during oncall, and there’s you trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do. And sometimes, I am a bit worry to call boss because whenever I present the case it sounds like shit and  end up kena marah hahahaha. Some are nice, they are willing to entertain you, but i dont blame those who “you ask your senior first before call me” because they’ve been receiving shits also from morning hahahah so of course la sometimes cannot tahan one, oh wow you see eventhough I hate kena marah but I always believe they have their reasons to behave like that. Okay I hate myself.

But to be honest la, I feel really demotivated whenever kena like that, because well I am fragile and stupid too, haha. No I mean, I know that I am not cofident type, I just need some reassurance, I just need someone to tell me, yes you are right. Not the type “ THIS ALSO YOU DONT KNOW??” Whenever I asked it’s either I know but I am not confident, or I memang tidak tahu. I remember my senior MO masa HO pernah cakap “ whatever you not sure, you ask je, dont play with someone’s life” Yes apparently some people they don’t like it, they cant accept that you don’t know basic things, but what you think is basic maybe not really basic to someone else, you know what I mean? Hmm

Actually, I really tawar hati already. Sometimes when I dont know basic things, I keep telling myself, I need to learn more. But the more I ask, the more I read, the more I realized, I know nothing. At the end, I feel like I know nothing, and I am not good. And you know, I sometimes just hope people don’t put high expectation on me, or expectation yg basic on me, because I am not sure I am at your standard or not, because I am a bit different, oh wait I mean, I am who I am. I have my own pace, my own character, and so many more. Like you, you have your own personality and lifestyle, so do I.

I know I look not trustable and cannot really diharapkan, but to be honest I keep trying everyday till at one point I feel like “what’s the point doing this? No one is happy with things I am doing.  I am very slow and I am not improving. Why I stay?” Yes i did ask myself everyday. 

You know, I am actually stressed, very very sad and stress when someone asked me “why this kind of thing also you dont know?” Or things like “why this guy know but you don’t?” Or something like “ you know you are senior, please buck up, you know” and so on. I am fragile, and easily hurt but I can still stay calm, but I cried everyday to be honest. No one knows because I keep it to myself. Confident? Hellow I’ve been trying to build it up for years. Yes I am still trying. I am quite jealous with those who are confident with what they are doing. I really want to be one. I tried.

Whenever people talk about my confident or how shy I am, I wish they knew me before they talk. Do they even know that I don’t even talk a lot during my study days, then I don’t really talk and give opinion during my houseman days? Until my specialist need to encourage me to talk, sometimes he will be like “you can tell me things you want, I will listen” Yes, it’s difficult because I am shy, awkward and lack of confidence. Yes that’s me. I took quite sometimes to talk, especially to say something. Sometimes I reply something a bit later because I need to think wether what I want to say will hurt anyone, or did I really give you the answer you want or will you marah? But now, I am not like that anymore. I am improving in my opinion, eventhough it’s not a lot haha, but to some people, what I am now is not enough, which made me sad and stress too. I can’t fulfilled everyone kehendak, kemahuan? I have my own pace too. I am trying. To some people, I am not good, useless or whatever, but I am trying to grow too. I am in pain also, I keep pushing myself till I lost my interest, and yes I feel what I am doing now is not what I want. I really want to leave forever.

I’ve talked to my boss, but he said I can try again. I can learn again. But I am not sure anymore. Wether I really want to try.Or wether I will be happy  if I keep doing this. He said I can try again, because I have interest in what I am doing now, maybe it’s just other factors that cause me to be like this. Hm, I dont know what’s the best for me anymore. I am not sure now. Now I tend to hate what I am doing. I ended up thinking of leaving this job.

I maybe not a genius mo, maybe not a cekap one like everyone, maybe not super duper trusted one, but whatever I do, I try to do it with my whole heart, and of course, first do no harm. I try whatever I can. I am willing to learn, whatever I did wrong, you can tell me and teach me, not asking me why i dont know such a simple thing, not by raising your voice or shout or doubted me. I am strong enough that I can stand still till now, and despite of crying everyday, I can still come to work and face reality. Becasue I know, if I try harder, I will be better. But now, I don’t feel like doing this anymore. These few months, I am really not happy. I keep everything inside, I don’t even write. Which is not a good sign, I am aware of it. Lol.

I feel a bit better lately but still, I can’t tahan. I feel like it’s time for me to leave. Maybe this is really not my thing. No one understand how I really feel, because I dont really talk about my feelings to others, if I did means I trust you like a lot ahha. And I dont really know how people view me. Because I am an introvert, I live in my own world most of the time, but if you really need me, I will be there to help. I don’t do trash talking about other people, I dont gossip, I just live my life. Plus I am a bit shy so yeah. Some people find it difficult to approach me, because I am a bit reserved type. I eat alone, I go to clinic alone, everything I can handle, I will do it alone. So when I need help, that means I really need help. If I asked, I really need you answer.

I write a lot huh? Been keeping for quite a while. I wish I can get angry and shout to people. Hahaha but the thing is, I am not good at it. Yeah.

I think it’s the time for me to consider leaving this department. I am not good enough to be in this department. I am not that good like others. I should do something that I am good at and do things that will make me feel I dont susahkan orang lain. 

Maybe I should really consider. I should know my limit. I should not hurt myself anymore by staying in a place that is not suitable for me.

Till then, please stay strong yah. Maybe after this, I will write more and more, and I hope that time, I have found the right path :)

Han