May 2022

Hi, it’s May 2022, and I am writing again.

Tomorrow and Sunday, I am on leave, will spend it well inshaAllah.

Actually I just completed my raya cuti, was quite a long raya cuti, I am happy, I able to puasa with my opah atuk, berbuka with my family at the end of ramadhan and subsequently raya together. Alhamdulillah, healed my soul a bit, my sad soul.

At this age, I won’t ask much. I just want to do things I want, and do things that can make me happy, but I know the limit. There are things I can’t get or make it happen even I want it. Yeah, that’s life.

I am actually asking myself, why am I doing this thing, I mean why on earth I am still in this super busy department despite me feeling sad, and unmotivated, and stressed all the time. There must be something but I dont know. I am still considering to change department or maybe resign, but.. yeah I am still stuck somewhere in between. And one more thing is, this undecided thing make me want to stop thinking and left to somewhere far for a while.

Sometimes, I feel like I am doing great day by day, especially when my seniors always encourage me with good words, but sometimes I feel like, I have nothing and why am I still here? Haha. So weird but yeah it is not something easy to decide, but I think my mental health is quite important too , lol

I dont feel like pursuing anything. My contract will somehow finished in 2023. While I can, I want to get more experience so wherever I go later, I dont feel regret. That’s what I think but you know, the other part of me really want to stop all these, doesn’t want to continue whatever I am doing now. Yeah I am very indecesive lol.

And one more thing, sometimes I am a bit unhappy when people think that I am always emotional or always sad, when you only see my eyes lol. Me being low self esteem, lack of confident, is really the baseline me, and I am naturally a shy person and doesnt talk much around people I am not comfortable with. I always say something very weird, and self talking but I am actually like that. I don’t know, maybe to some people I am really showing something that normal people won’t hahaha. I guess I need some check up. And one more thing, I like to be alone most of the time. I feel relax, I feel very tired and drained when I need to socialize like talking a lot hahaha unless I really like you. But maybe also, I am in denial, maybe I am really depressed like what my senior said. But actually I dont know how to properly explain to them that my baseline is almost like this, I still do things I like, I still can eat, and still can watch dramas. But someotimes I am too tired so I will just sleep.

I have to agree that past few months, I am really not good mentally and emotionally, because of the stress I’ve received from my previous boss, but now I think I am a bit okay with this new boss. Maybe because my boss doesn’t really questioned me, till make me feel bad about myself, at least. Eventho maybe sometimes he is a bit scary and sarcastic but I just like the vibes when doing round, and my seniors always helped me.

I am very sure that I am lacking but I am trying to manage and improve myself too. I know I am not good enough but I am doing it slowly, I am doing it at my own pace. I know some people can’t accept it but I will just try my best.

Doing first call with my jonahness, also really made me cried inside, and of course outside. Sometimes during my review, I will suddenly cry because of the stress I received, but if I don’t cry while reviewing I am afraid that I will meletop hahahaha you know meletup in that sense where I will just don’t care, “bomb” people who refer mengarut and stuff, and yeah regret the next day. Everyone knows I am not good in marah but you know what, once you did, it will never be forgotten by anyone, believe me.

Sometimes I wish I am good in expressing, and giving opinion, ignore people’s feeling and just say what I want, but my nature is not like that. I always have to think and think. So I don’t say something stupid and something that could hurt people. Lol

I like to keep everything inside, and I know it is not healthy but I am still doing it. Maybe if I have husband or boyfriend one day, I will them this person so many stories, lol. And I hope dia takkan bosan lol. Hahahaha at least i am not that bebel type and talkative macam apa -__-

Btw, just wanna share a good drama that I’ve recently finished watching, called twenty five twenty one. A very good drama about someone who perjuangkan her dream, about how some people went through a lot just to make sure they can feed their family and how valuable is friendship. It is a very good drama, I think one of the best drama I’ve watched this year, eventhough I don’t really like the ending as it is really something that is soooooo realistic, and I hope more dramas like this, showing how someone becomes an adult, and also how someone can have so much meaning in your life and can brings a lot of happiness, encouragement and  hope in your life. Wonder who is mine lol

Whatever it is, I am just gonna stop here. Will come back whenever I feel like writing. I hope everyone enjoyed their raya and cuti. Hope everyone who reads this will be happy all the time, and bless with a lot lot lot of loves.

Han