Mid november 22

Hi November. Mid November. How are you? Are you going to bloom by the end of november? I am asking myself, if I ever bloom again, hm

Been fighting with myself for about a month. Thinking about what I should do with my life. Whether I am in the right track or totally wrong. Been wanting to quit for so many times, despite having good people around me, okay some are not, lol, but this time things become complicated after accepting that post.

I always ask myself, what makes me happy? The answer is always I don’t know and I know what I am doing now is totally something that is not suitable for me. I always ask myself, did I play my role? Is this the best thing I can provide for patients? Am I happy with what I am doing now? None of this questions, answer by me, because I really don’t know.

Not everyone can understand me, like how I can’t understand everyone. But I am lucky that there are some people who is willing to help and listen to me. I don’t really talk about my feeling unless people asked me. I am not very good in expressing my feelings, well we all know that aren’t we?

Sometimes, it’s very difficult for me to explain to people about what I am thinking and what I am feeling. Because I myself, like to keep it to myself.

Recently, I had a very bad oncall. And I was really really traumatized by it. I keep blaming myself for what happened. Eventhough, yeah I know, I can’t prevent people from dying but I am really sad with what happened.  It’s very impactful to me, I feel very angry to myself, why I am always jonah, and always bring bad luck, at one point, I started to believe that I bring bad luck to people which is totally dosa weh, there’s no such thing I know, but I do feel that way. I feel like, why it’s always during my oncall, why I can’t even have a good oncall. I give up with clinicals. I really do. T___T

I feel useless sometimes, I mean, my knowledge not as good as others, and I have no plan to take papers or become specialist, my aim now is just to be a normal happy human being, by doing things I want. But some people really do pressure me about my decision of being “chronic mo”. And to be honest, I am tired with whatever I am doing now. I think, I have to let go of this field, time to join non clinical. I can’t even tahan with clinical anymore. Tiring oncalls and I always have a bad one, it’s like God telling me “wahai manusia, please pindah non clinical” haha even my seniors/juniors/staff nurses can’t tahan with my jonahness. Sedih nya.

And do you know, it’s actually very difficult for someone like me to be in this field i think. I am crybaby lately, because only by crying i can feel a bit better. I don’t talk a lot to people, I am always by myself, I just don’t like to be with so many people. I am just an introvert, and that’s what make things much more difficult. They called me as an emo girl lol but idk how to explain to them, it’s just me being me. I am the problem also, I don’t want to really explain much about myself, and at the end people already has perception about me, their own perception. Which I think, very difficult to change.

If they really know me, yes, I am an introvert but I am actually a fun person too, if I really like you la. There are some sides I will only show to some people, that not everyone can see. But because what they always see is the silent me with emo eyes, and sad whatsapp status which actually I updated because I am bored lol, so their conclusion is emo. I am okay with it, because only jauhari mengenal manikam.

And to be honest, I am not very good in socializing, but I don’t easily hate someone. I may look weak and always in need of help, but I am actually quite strong emotionally, I mean look at how long I can stay in this busy department.

Friends? Difficult to make one. I only want someone who can make me feel comfortable to talk to, to guide me and help me when needed. To listen to me, to always be there for me, emotionally first then physically. I am fragile and not that matured, I know. I am weird too. But I am a good person. Since I am very reserved type so I guess many people don’t even bother to try to be my friend, and I am okay with it pulak tu, hahahahaha. If you are my friend means, you are the choosen one.

Huft, too many things happened in November. I feel very tired. And everything seems very difficult. I hope I really can stop everything, run from where I stuck and feel free. I just want to be free and happy. I haven’t found it , things that can make me happy. I just need to keep searching.

Last month I’ve made up my mind. I am leaving this department once I settle everything. I just need to settle one patient, and then I will discuss about it with bosses. I think, no matter how much I like this field, I just find it tiring and difficult for me, it’s like this department is not for someone like me. I don’t like it anymore. I am not interested anymore. Maybe this is what they called as “takde jodoh”. No matter how crazy I am about it, if it’s not meant to be, it is not. Things just become so so so difficult for me in every way. I have to let it go now.

Please pray for me. I am happy that I am still alive, doing well with my health. I just hope I could be free from all these unnecessary things. I just need to be free and happy. I just need to find you, happiness. Please show me yourself. So I can grab you and move on

Han.