Hi, hello. Assalamualaikum. Kalau can jawab please jawab.
It's been quite a long hiatus huh? Always has desire to write, but never write. Too busy with my life, idk if its me being not productive or is it really because I am busy. Well, still working at the same place with the same department, the only thing changed is my status, not marital status lol. And I am still deciding whether to really leave this permanent job or want to try further, keep trying till I reached one point lol, I am reaching I guess.
Recently, just celebrated my birthday, can't believe I am in my 30s now. I have been doing blogging since I was in secondary school, went for matrik and even graduated from uni. Survived HO ship and now doing MOship without having proper direction, amazing Han!
Past few months I learnt a lot about myself, it seems like I am never out of this sensitive feeling and soft hearted kind of person, fragile... but recently I am more honest with what I feel. I did expressed what I feel. To people I want, verbally or maybe, actionably, lol. I also tend to cut off some contact and relationship with some people. I dream of being happy and being appreciated by people. I can't do everything for others. I want to be appreciate too by others. I feel so tired, giving care, attention and even love to people who can't even return it a bit to me.
Recently in Feb, my friend that I knew during my study days got married. I went to her engagement and wedding. I might be very pendiam, but for friends that I care, I can do more than that. I even flew from Borneo to attend her majlis okay.
Not to forget, I start reading some books, with mental health kind of genre. Well I am sure many people know about this book, I want to die but I want to eat tteokbokki. Hahahahaha. A very easy and nice book to read. A very simple book yet can relate. Another ongoing book is "Maybe you should talk to someone". It's about a therapist seeing patient but seeing a therapist too lol.
This year, I tend to cry more when I feel very overwhelmed with what happened. Eventhough people think I am depressed, have depression or whatever, I am okay with whatever their judgement. But to be honest, I usually cry because I am angry or feel disappointed. Or sometimes, I can't handle stress much, I prefer to cry to ensure I am not hurting. It's weird but well, that's life.
My on call? Still JONAH as usual. Even boss try to reduce my on call but, still Jonah. The more I talk about it the more I am not happy zzzz. I feel like a failure every time I can't save a patient. I feel like I am incompetent at one point until I questioned myself, WHY? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST LIVE? Yet I know the fact that, everyone will die one day, somehow. Eventhough I know the prognosis, I tend to blame myself. I know, being a doctor you can't let this kind of thing kacau you, like carried you away but IDK people like me sometimes can't relate.
Talking about jodoh, I know this issue will be an issue till forever hahaha. Some people wanted to introduce some guys to me but I am not confident and brave enough to get to know people. I am very passive thus, I don't really care that much. If that person found me I hope he really will kutip me haha. But I hope he is someone who knows me, better than everyone else.
Since last year, been listening to Eric Chou's song. I am shocked when some people query why I listened to Chinese songs? OMG I HAVE BEEN WATCHING TAIWANESE DRAMA / TVB since primary school what you mean by why I listened to it lol. I even can sing rainy yang's and some other singer's song. But I am hooked to Eric Chou's songs and its mv and melodies omg. I actually prefer sad and slow song because I just wanna sing along you know. So recently, I went to his concert as someone decided to let go her VIP ticket at a very cheap price. I went, very awkward because only a few Malays hahahah then the rest are Chinese and most of them came as couple. Ahhhhh a hopeless romantic all my life, surrounded by couples all the time lol
End of may, one of my friends left to continue masters. We did ho together, came to Borneo together, he left first as he got offer for master. Then now, my another friend also will go back Peninsular for her penempatan. Left me alone here hahahaha. And I am still thinking about transferring or maybe quitting. Idk, I haven't see the light T-T
Ah, last few months, involved in a very dramatic issue between me and a surgeon. Well that surgeon is not happy about someone else, but venting on me who obviously an innocent soul. I hate surgeons since then. He has no right to scold me, or even make me feel like shit, and even questioned whether my department are that busy. Luckily I didn't use system to complaint about him. LOL emo me.
Well, this year thing getting out of control, I mean regarding my work. We don't have enough medical officers to run our department properly. We are really overworked. The worst part is, we don't have enough houseman which make me and my colleagues to do.. basically all the works. On the normal days, we are already very busy, not to mention during the clinics days. I am very not happy with KKM not realising the need to have more medical officers. And JPA pulak, don't want open more penjawatan because no money. Come on, take boleh but HCW macam ni. We are very tired already. Kesian MO sebenarnya. Diorang lah HO dioranglah MO. Stress gila but well, no one care. Bak kata netizen, "tak tahan boleh quit la, melambak nak kerja." Wonder who is there to work as medical officer as houseman pun takdak lol
I should have rest, this week kinda torturing. Crying and sigh-ing non stop. So emo. Too many works , too busy. I rarely eat this days because too busy but I still gemuk lol
Okay, till here.
Bye.
Han
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